7 Books to Help You Overcome Porn Addiction and Reclaim Relationship Intimacy
- Dating Coach London
- Oct 21
- 4 min read
By Sarah Louise Ryan, Psychotherapist & Relationship Counsellor.
Porn addiction or excessive porn use is more than just a personal struggle -it’s a relational one. For many individuals and couples, pornography becomes a silent wedge that distances partners emotionally, physically, and energetically. The pleasure of porn for one, can be the relational pain for another.
Ultimately, any behaviour that doesn't serve the relationship and energetically let's air out of the tyre as an analogy can been seen as escapism, or a relationship exit. If porn is affecting you or your relationship, I can help you in individual or relationship therapy.
When porn becomes a coping mechanism for stress, loneliness, or disconnection, it often leads to energy being released outside of the relationship, draining the intimacy that sustains emotional and sexual connection. From a psychosexual and relational perspective, overcoming porn use is not just about stopping a behaviour -it’s about reclaiming the flow of energy, trust, and erotic vitality within the relationship.
Below are seven powerful books that can support individuals and couples in understanding, healing, and reconnecting -backed by neuroscience, attachment psychology, and relationship therapy insights.
1. “Your Brain on Porn” by Gary Wilson
A foundational guide to the neuroscience of compulsive porn use. Wilson explains how internet pornography rewires the brain’s reward system, creating cycles of craving and desensitization.Understanding this process helps individuals see recovery not as punishment, but as rewiring the brain for authentic connection and desire.
2. “The Porn Trap” by Wendy Maltz & Larry Maltz
A compassionate and insightful book written by two sex therapists. The Maltzes explore how porn impacts expectations around sex and intimacy, and how couples can rebuild trust and connection through openness, empathy, and vulnerability.This is essential reading for couples experiencing sex issues in a marriage or emotional distance due to porn use.
3. “Out of the Shadows” by Patrick Carnes
Patrick Carnes’ classic work on sexual addiction provides a trauma-informed lens for understanding compulsive sexual behavior.It’s a vital resource for anyone looking to unpack the emotional wounds and attachment patterns beneath the behavior, and begin a structured recovery process.
4. “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson
Grounded in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), this book explores how attachment needs shape our emotional and sexual bonds.It offers practical steps for couples who find themselves caught in cycles of conflict, withdrawal, or disconnection—helping them rebuild the emotional safety needed for sexual intimacy to flourish again.
5. “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt
This cornerstone of Imago Relationship Therapy teaches couples that our adult relationships often mirror our early attachment experiences.From this perspective, porn use can be seen as a form of avoidance of intimacy—a way of regulating discomfort instead of engaging with vulnerability.
Through the Imago dialogue, couples can transform frustration into understanding and channel their energy back into the relationship container.
6. “Rewired: A Bold New Approach to Addiction and Recovery” by Erica Spiegelman
Spiegelman offers a holistic approach to recovery that focuses on identity, boundaries, and purpose.This book encourages readers to build a life rooted in integrity, connection, and self-respect—replacing avoidance with intentional living and relational healing.
7. “The Erotic Mind” by Jack Morin
Morin dives into the psychology of desire, fantasy, and emotional arousal.It’s an excellent guide for anyone wanting to rediscover eroticism as a creative, embodied, and relational force, rather than something consumed passively through screens.It reframes desire as a spiritual and emotional current that can be cultivated consciously between partners.
Understanding Erotic Energy and Relationship Healing
From a psychosexual and relational standpoint, pornography externalises erotic energy—diverting it away from the relational field.In Imago Relationship Therapy, erotic energy is understood as a sacred life force—something that, when shared within a safe emotional container, can deepen connection, restore trust, and reignite passion.
When that energy is spent outside the relationship (through porn, fantasy, or emotional withdrawal), couples often experience loss of intimacy and growing disconnection.The healing work, therefore, is not about suppression, but reintegrating erotic energy back into the partnership—so that the relationship becomes a source of vitality again.
5 Ways Couples Can Recreate Erotic Energy Together
30 Days of Connection (Emotional Before Physical) Commit to one month without porn or orgasmic release. Instead, create 30 days of connection rituals—daily check-ins, eye contact, affection, gratitude. This trains the body and mind to seek intimacy through connection, not consumption.
Immediate Porn Ban and Ritual Reset Remove all digital triggers and replace them with shared intention: write a joint statement of commitment, create a playlist for connection, or meditate together. Treat it as a relational detox rather than a punishment.
Intentional Sexual Abstinence (as a Reset) Take 2–4 weeks off from sexual activity to allow the body, mind, and relationship to recalibrate. During this time, focus on emotional closeness and non-sexual touch. Desire will return more organically and authentically.
Imago Dialogue Practice Use Imago dialogue to discuss needs, fears, and boundaries around porn and intimacy. One partner speaks, the other mirrors, validates, and empathizes.This process transforms blame and shame into understanding—allowing true repair and reconnection.
Erotic Mindfulness & Sensate Focus Practice slow, non-goal-oriented touch. Focus on presence, breathing, and sensation rather than performance.This awakens the nervous system to pleasure and connection, re-establishing intimacy as a shared experience.
Relationship Therapy for Reconnection, Repair & Restoration with Sarah Louise Ryan
If you or your partner are struggling with porn addiction, relationship breakdown, or sexual disconnection, you don’t have to navigate it alone.
Sarah Louise Ryan is an experienced couples therapist and marriage counsellor, specialising in helping couples reconnect, repair, and restore intimacy through evidence-based approaches like Imago Relationship Therapy, psychosexual education, and attachment-based counselling.
Whether you’re experiencing sex issues in your marriage, emotional distance, or communication breakdown, Sarah offers a safe and structured space to help you heal and rebuild connection from the inside out.
Take the first step towards repair and reconnection today. Work with Sarah Louise Ryan, and begin transforming the energy of disconnection into the energy of intimacy. Book in a session here.
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