Why You Keep Choosing the Same People In Dating
- Dating Coach London
- Sep 8
- 3 min read
(And How to Finally Break Free)
So many brilliant, beautiful, intuitive women find themselves stuck on repeat in love. You meet someone new, feel the spark, and then… somehow, it all ends the same way. Or you fall for someone unavailable, someone who doesn’t match your heart’s depth, someone who leaves you questioning yourself.
Even on the recent Love Is Blind UK series, Sarover, Ashleigh and Katisha all come to mind. Incredible women, yet they all had something in common: they sensed uncertainty early on, ignored the signs, and carried on anyway, hoping for the best. It’s a pattern many people can relate to.
The truth is this: it’s not just about who you’re choosing. It’s about what’s been playing quietly in your heart all along. Let’s take a look at why this happens from a subconscious attraction point of view and how to break the cycle.
You’re drawn to what feels familiar
Even if it hurts, there’s comfort in familiarity. Maybe you’ve learned to love someone who’s distant, or to chase someone who seems just out of reach. Your subconscious is whispering, “I know this story. I can handle this.” But just because it feels familiar doesn’t mean it’s right for you.
These sorts of familiarities often begin in childhood. Your nervous system adapts to what it already knows, feels ready to hold or handle because it is familiar and at least has a sense of knowing the inevitable. Familiarity feels safe - because at least it’s predictable.
Your past is shaping your present choices
Every heartbreak you’ve experienced, every rejection, every moment you felt unseen - it leaves a mark. And until you acknowledge those moments, your heart will keep attracting people who echo them. Love isn’t about punishment; it’s about learning, healing, and finally choosing differently.
Our hearts often build up protective walls and barriers that while do a good job at protecting us from pain, they also keep out the love, joy and connection we long to experience - supporting your heart to heal from the past is a powerful way to start opening up to love again.
You’re repeating an old story
“I’m too much.” “Love always hurts.” “I’ll never find someone who truly sees me.” Sound familiar? These are stories you’ve been telling yourself - quietly, subconsciously - and your love life is mirroring them back. But here’s the magic: you can rewrite this story. You can tell yourself a new truth about what you deserve, and who you are in love. With the right tools and support, you can create a new truth about what you deserve... and attract relationships that reflect it.
Breaking the cycle is possible
When it comes to love, change starts with you:
Look inward with compassion: Reflect on your patterns without judgment. Ask yourself gently, “Why did I choose this person? What was my heart really seeking?”
Heal your old wounds: Tools like EFT tapping, journaling, NLP, and guided coaching can help release pain from the past that’s unconsciously guiding your choices..
Know your worth: You don’t have to settle for anyone who doesn’t match the depth of your heart.
Set boundaries with love: Saying no doesn’t block love; it protects space for the right love that's meant for you.
Shift your energy: The more you embody joy, confidence, and self-love, the more you magnetise people who reflect that back to you.
The pattern you’re in isn’t a flaw. It’s an invitation... a call to do things differently, to see yourself clearly, and to choose the love that lights you up instead of dims you down.
You are not broken. You are learning. And the right person - the one who truly sees you, values you, and matches your heart, is waiting for the version of you who is ready to receive them.
Reflection prompts to break the cycle >>>
Notice the pattern: Think back over your last three relationships. What traits or situations kept repeating?
Meet your past self: Choose one heartbreak that still stings. What did your younger self need in that moment? How can you offer that now?
Rewrite the story: What belief about love have you been carrying? Create a new version that includes respect, joy, and lasting love.
Check your energy: When you think about love, what emotions rise? Which ones do you want to nurture more of?
Define your boundaries: Write down three non-negotiables for your next relationship - things you will never compromise on again.
Written by Sophie French, our coaching expert.
Sophie is a certified Master Practitioner in NLP, EFT, Hynotherapy and Performance Coaching, bringing a breadth of professional training to support every layer of transformation.
Book a 15 minute discovery call with Sophie here.